Tuesday, March 22, 2011

The Mid-Mommy Crisis

When I stopped working at the University to begin being a Domestic Engineer, I left that life with much confidence as a woman and conviction to be a mother. Though definitely a transition to identify myself by my character and my strengths, rather than my position and my paycheck, I feel like I made it through and did some digging and grew in a good way.

It seems though now, about three and a half years into the Domestic Engineering experience, I'm just starting to recognized and recover from a mid-mommy crisis. You know, that place where you feel a little enslaved to the mundane and start to just plain feel empty, unappreciated, and perhaps even used. Then it is the story of hurt, then frustration of unmet hopes and expectations, then bitterness and hardness, then the attitude of a self-centered quitter, and through all this we lose track of ourself. We lose track of our vision, our passion, our purpose. And there we sit, broken, hurting, angry...

I'm so thankful for the Lord, the way he turns my mourning into dancing again, he lifts our sorrows.

I am at a place now where my heart has been broken....but thankfully, it is no longer hard (except for a few little pieces here and there that are still in the process of being crushed). I am so thankful for the way the Lord has re-confirmed the purpose statement He so clearly gave me in the Spring of 2002, which btw never changed, even though I was starting to question if it was changing. And, in His funny and gentle way, He has done this. He has orchestrated many different opportunities to re-connect with people who really know me (yes me-that person I even forgot), who know my heart, who see through my whiny days. They know where I'm strong, they know where I am weak. My spirit is softening again. My hope is returning.

Lord, light the fire in my heart again...which takes me back to my days at Saint Martin's where we sang this song at The Bucket and the Lord so clearly showed me my purpose in the first place.  

Light the fire 
In my soul
Fan the flame
Make me whole
Lord, You know
Where I've been
So light the fire in my heart again