When I stopped working at the University to begin being a Domestic Engineer, I left that life with much confidence as a woman and conviction to be a mother. Though definitely a transition to identify myself by my character and my strengths, rather than my position and my paycheck, I feel like I made it through and did some digging and grew in a good way.
It seems though now, about three and a half years into the Domestic Engineering experience, I'm just starting to recognized and recover from a mid-mommy crisis. You know, that place where you feel a little enslaved to the mundane and start to just plain feel empty, unappreciated, and perhaps even used. Then it is the story of hurt, then frustration of unmet hopes and expectations, then bitterness and hardness, then the attitude of a self-centered quitter, and through all this we lose track of ourself. We lose track of our vision, our passion, our purpose. And there we sit, broken, hurting, angry...
I'm so thankful for the Lord, the way he turns my mourning into dancing again, he lifts our sorrows.
I am at a place now where my heart has been broken....but thankfully, it is no longer hard (except for a few little pieces here and there that are still in the process of being crushed). I am so thankful for the way the Lord has re-confirmed the purpose statement He so clearly gave me in the Spring of 2002, which btw never changed, even though I was starting to question if it was changing. And, in His funny and gentle way, He has done this. He has orchestrated many different opportunities to re-connect with people who really know me (yes me-that person I even forgot), who know my heart, who see through my whiny days. They know where I'm strong, they know where I am weak. My spirit is softening again. My hope is returning.
Lord, light the fire in my heart again...which takes me back to my days at Saint Martin's where we sang this song at The Bucket and the Lord so clearly showed me my purpose in the first place.
Light the fire
In my soul
Fan the flame
Make me whole
Lord, You know
Where I've been
So light the fire in my heart again
This is such an honest post! I think so many women feel/have felt this way during different times in their lives. I know that every family has their own unique circumstances, and it's not always finances that is the main factor in deciding whether to work/stay home etc. I hope you are feeling better about things right now, I personally think its healthy to have these mixed feelings. Right now is the most hardest time for you, because you want to teach your children so much and allow them to experience so much before they get into school full-time or start to become more independent, so many women like yourself probably have moments like the ones you described. I guess it's just important for everyone to find something during the week that is totally their time, that nobody is asking anything of them for that specific period of time that makes them feel better, whatever that needs to be, without feeling guilty about it!
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