The Mommy Monster

Well, I come to you all humbled over the past few weeks by some sin that has entered my life. It's been one tough month. You know how things snowball. Lack of sleep, crying kiddos, less sleep, more crying, more crying...and then you begin to break and snap and react rather than respond, and begin to feel like you're loosing it-your mind, your self-control, your gentleness, etc.

I started to see myself reacting to my children in a way that was not okay for me. I was snapping and beginning to shout. I felt what I would describe as "justified anger" toward my children. It was not okay. I would spank out of frustration, not love. I just wanted my kids to get away from me so they would stop crying about EVERYTHING and stop bothering me.

Finally, I realized that I really had lost it-I had lost my leaning on the Holy Spirit of God, trusting him to parent through me. In my own, very ugly, humanness, I was beginning to parent. I was doing it out of "my own strength." Let me just tell you folks...parenting out of our own strength is a very, very UGLY thing and yields pretty terrible results.

I have confessed to others of my fleshlyness and am seeking to shake myself empty of me moment by moment, so that His Spirit can re-invade the depths of my being, my attitude, my parenting, my everything.

It is scary to think of what life may be like for so many who, I suspect, live daily in this very scary, unfulfilling way of parenting, and living in general. I share my struggles from over the past month with you in hopes that maybe this touches your heart, or strikes up a conversation with your spouse or your friend who you may suspect is feeling "angry and frustrated" rather than under the control and guidance of the Holy Spirit. You can hear the difference in the voice. There is a sharpness there that we would cringe if we heard flow from the mouths of one of our precious little ones back to their siblings, friends or even to us. We would cringe if someone else spoke to us that way. May we not break the spirits of our children, but instead may we get to a place of self-control (possible only through the H/S) so that we don't feel and act and respond in a way that is out of His control.

In sorting through my struggles, I shared with my best friend Julie that I had really been struggling and that I was beginning to act "White Trash" as a parent. I said, "here I am, an educated person and I'm acting like I've thrown all I've learned out the window and become white trash." She said (and I'll paraphrase), "Em, it has nothing to do with status or education. It is not white trash, it is without the Holy Spirit. The educated and upper class do it too, they're just better at hiding it." She is right. So, completely right... So, next time you think in your mind, "that's White Trash," consider that maybe it really is just someone living without the grace of the Holy Spirit to act as a governor of his/her thoughts/speech/actions. Consider that maybe instead of judgement, that person is crying out for help-the help of the H/S. And maybe, just maybe, you are the one to share that hope for a better life with him or her.

For what has been broken, only He can make new. If you have struggled, as I have this past month, I urge you to confess your struggles with people who will hold you accountable to growing from that place. Though many/most/dare I say all, of us have gone/will go there, it is not an okay place to stay.